If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
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You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Me checking my bank balance online.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes