If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
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I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Namaste
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.