dad: when i die, donate my body to science
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Wife: “Would you like to help me….?”
Translation: “Do it or die.”
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Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Friend: Do I need to repeat myself?
Me: No. I might not be able to ignore you a second time
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
God: u can ask me 1 question
me: ok if the singular of geese is goose is the singular of sheep a shoop
devil: welcome to hell
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
“It doesn’t say anywhere that you have to EAT them, you see,” I explain to the Olive Garden waitress as my breadstick kingdom adds a library