@hazelmotes1

Wife: wow, we must have had a lot of trick or treaters come by!

Me: wha?

Her: Because all the candy is gone

Me: Ooooh right. So many.

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@gorrdano

If you’re going to attack me in an @, you better be prepared to give me like three hours or so to think of a good comeback.

@skittle624

You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.

@AndrewChamings

Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit

@LurkAtHomeMom

My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”

@SequelsWeWant

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7

They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles

The Ninja Turtles corner him

Mario jumps on them all

@Sassafrantz

Out of all the children’s stories, Goldilocks is the most ridiculous. How’s someone just gonna fall asleep while committing a felony? smh

@TheDailyManning

Dear girls, Santa saw your Facebook page, you’re getting clothes and a dictionary for Christmas.

@ObscureGent

News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.

Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!

@TheBoydP

Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…