If you’re going to attack me in an @, you better be prepared to give me like three hours or so to think of a good comeback.
Wife: wow, we must have had a lot of trick or treaters come by!
Her: Because all the candy is gone
Me: Ooooh right. So many.
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You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Out of all the children’s stories, Goldilocks is the most ridiculous. How’s someone just gonna fall asleep while committing a felony? smh
Dear girls, Santa saw your Facebook page, you’re getting clothes and a dictionary for Christmas.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…