Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen

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I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.


my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?

me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.

narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.


A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.


*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*

*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*



A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up


I hate this double standard
burning a body in the crematorium is fine-
……but you do it at home and suddenly it’s destroying evidence.


If “The Breakfast Club” were filmed today, it would be a silent movie about 5 teens looking at their phones.


You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.


The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue