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Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
When can I start eating bats again.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
馃捇馃ぁ
Finally!
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
I bought a new scale today.
Can鈥檛 wait to get home and throw it out the window.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive鈥ou鈥檙e literally going that way anyway鈥ust give me a ride.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.