@murrman5

[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER

[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER

- @murrman5

You Might Also Like

@d_duhwit

Judge:”Since we can’t prove who’s baby it is we will … cut the baby in half

Worm Mom 1:”Sure
Worm Mom 2 :”Ya do it.

@DamonHunzeker

Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.

@notviking

her: we even finish each other’s s-
me: -omebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed she was looki

@ibid78

“Something’s wrong. He’s never walked this far before.”- what my shoes would say if you walked a mile in them.

@hoops_Daddy

If it looks like a duck,
Sounds like a cat,
And walks like robot,
You took too many pain killers.

@wickedimproper

I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”

@ColoChiver

When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a “mean drunk” or a “happy drunk.” Gets me out of it every time.

@RykWeston

The girl at the Baskins-Robbins thinks Leonardo da Vinci was “in that Titanic movie”. Now my ice cream tastes like stupid.