[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
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“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Can. I. Help. You.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Fixed this for Shakespeare
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.