Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
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[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?