*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
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To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Dating tip: if you want a girl to hold you tight, start pushing her off a cliff.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Doc: So you’re not sleeping?
D: how much water do you drink?
M: a glass a day
M: 4 glasses
M: Yes, please