wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada

me: why? he’s not driving

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*1st day as a human*

Alien: I did one of those poop things

Alien 2: And?

A: The corn we ate was there

A2: So?

A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up

A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here


To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.


Dating tip: if you want a girl to hold you tight, start pushing her off a cliff.


What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?

No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.

Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.


Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is


I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.


“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.


A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.


BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound


BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper

ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!


Doc: So you’re not sleeping?
Me: nah
D: how much water do you drink?
M: a glass a day
D: Alcohol?
M: 4 glasses
D: Coffee?
M: Yes, please