WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
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I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.