@ArfMeasures

WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?

You Might Also Like

@QwertyJones3

“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”

ME: *starts vaping*

@Rollinintheseat

I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.

@Fred_Delicious

*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*

@stacetoned

If you feel like someone is playing mind games with you, they totally are and you should kill them before they kill you.

@Reverend_Scott

GOD: Done.

ANGEL: What is it?

GOD: An ostrich.

ANGEL: So it can fly, right?

GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.

ANGEL: I think you need a break dude

@foxnerdrn

If he doesn’t sleep with a life-sized replica of you made of human hair and deli meats, he’s not as into you as I am.

@Jez1

It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.

@UncleDuke1969

Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.

@AmishPornStar1

I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!

Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.