“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
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I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
If you feel like someone is playing mind games with you, they totally are and you should kill them before they kill you.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
If he doesn’t sleep with a life-sized replica of you made of human hair and deli meats, he’s not as into you as I am.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Me: Two fingers here.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.