WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
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*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.