@JB4Realz

wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.

me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*

wife: that’s better.

me: *puts on formal hulk hands*

You Might Also Like

@brichie13

“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*

@FreudsTwin

Mad scientist- Checks for Labs
Bartender- Checks for Tabs
Boxer- Checks for Jabs
Uber- Checks for Cabs
Your back – Checks for Stabs

@Schmoodles

I’m responsible for 84% of all cat videos currently available on YouTube.

@Playing_Dad

Me: What did you do today while I was at work?

Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.

Me: I think you’re lying.

Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?

@gvicks

Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?

@TheMichaelRock

Her text: I’m tanning. Call you when I’m done.

My thoughts: SHE’S NAKED NAKED NAKED NAKED NAKED NAKED NAKED NAKED NAKED NAKED NAKED NAKED

@juliussharpe

Management tip – only hire bald guys. They don’t have anything going on besides work.

@lisaxy424

20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed

30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed