@iwearaonesie

wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!

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@slotjunkierose

Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.

@MarfSalvador

me: push!

wife: [in labor] I AM

me: push harder!!

wife: I CAN’T

me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull

@amhw

Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.

@bonehugsnirony

interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing

@Playing_Dad

[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*

@NouRahif

“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.

@HatfieldAnne

In the early hours, the hoarse retching of a cat with a hairball. First one out of bed has to clean up. My bladder is empty. Bring it.

@thegreatnanak

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

@kimtopher22

I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.

@SlipperySecret

Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.

Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….