Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
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wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
In the early hours, the hoarse retching of a cat with a hairball. First one out of bed has to clean up. My bladder is empty. Bring it.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.
Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window: