WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
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Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.