Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
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I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
It’s so adorable when girls are scared to eat in front of a guy. I’ll eat both your plates. Probably even the guy.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
– I’d like to make a reservation.
– Matthew McConaughey.
– Can you spell that for me?
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.