Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
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Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
The prophecy is fulfilled
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy