WIFE: You kept screaming "no, no, no, no, no" in your sleep. What were you dreaming about? ME: a well balanced diet and exercise

Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend

Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.

My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:

DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]

I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.

I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts

FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby

ME: not today satan

Him: Are you always this socially awkward?

Me: Only when I’m in my human form.

Him: So always.

I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.

HR: You know why we called you down?

Me:Hm. Promotion?

HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?

Me: I’d like to reporting a hacking.

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