9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
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GF: You cant keep it.
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Teen for rent:
Knows everything, does nothing.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
LAWYER: Your Uncle Paul Watt passed away
ME: Wow I didn’t know him
L: He bequeathed his mine to you
ME: Wait a minute
L: Watts mine is yours