@iwearaonesie
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
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@iwearaonesie
@upsidedowntrash
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
@DagFizz
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
@reesespiece_
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
@Fallun_Angel
Teen for rent:
Knows everything, does nothing.
@pilau
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
@johnbcrist
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
@PleaseBeGneiss
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
@Mom_Overboard
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
@Home_Halfway
LAWYER: Your Uncle Paul Watt passed away
ME: Wow I didn’t know him
L: He bequeathed his mine to you
ME: Wait a minute
L: Watts mine is yours