How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
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I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”