Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
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Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
DATE: I’m leaving
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
HR: You know why we called you down?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to reporting a hacking.