Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
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[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Stop being racist to kettles.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.