Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
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Dad, was I a cocky teenager?
Only when you watched Baywatch in your pyjam….
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
* having me let go will cost $10
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
ME: Who is your favourite philosopher?
PROFESSOR: It’s Hume.
ME: Sorry – whom is your favourite philosopher?
The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*