WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
You Might Also Like
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
🤣✨#caturday
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
A game married people play.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
fixed it