WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
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Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.