wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
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Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.