wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
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trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Uh oh…
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.