Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
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I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Pickled cat.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
girls literally only want one thing..
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao