WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
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Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.