Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
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*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”