@squirrel74wkgn

Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do

[2 hrs later]

Neighbor: Is your wife home?

Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil

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@Quartzjixler

Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.

@thejayroyal

Damn girl, can I get all up in that? I’m sorry, where are my manners. MAY I get all up in that?

@JohnLyonTweets

*turns on broadcast TV*

Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?

*sees Activia ad*

*sees Metamucil ad*

*sees Cialis ad*

I think I have the answer.

@krisv_723

*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.

@Phook75

The upside to having kids is how you’re able to use them as an excuse to cancel unwanted plans

@venkaiceprinces

Looks like I’m finally going to meet my twitter crush, don’t know if I should diet or let him find out the hard way Im good w camera angles

@iwearaonesie

Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I filled up on nuts

ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew

HER: Gesundheit

ME: I think I love you

@toomanycommas3

Russian roulette but it’s just me eating jelly beans without looking at the color first.