Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
You Might Also Like
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH