WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
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[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.