WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
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me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?