WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
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If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
house sitting!
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.