Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.

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If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.


Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.


I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.


Me: one admission please

Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home


*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*

I have 2 kids?!


Just saw a coyote next to the highway. I hope this tunnel ahead isn’t just painted on.


*boss walks in

Me: I lost my contact

Boss: Why are you naked & why is Greg under your desk?



Me: Shut the door when you leave


ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like


If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.