I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
M: Yes, dear.
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It’s goofy when people pretend to zip their mouth closed to indicate keeping a secret. “Your secret is well guarded… behind a zipper”
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
After seeing a commercial for Toddlers In Tiaras, I realise Darth Vader wasn’t the worst parent ever.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Somewhere in Africa, a bunch of orphans are about to be running around in confederate flag shirts.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.