@UncleDuke1969

Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.

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@mrtruthandsoul

I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back

@shutupmikeginn

It’s goofy when people pretend to zip their mouth closed to indicate keeping a secret. “Your secret is well guarded… behind a zipper”

@WilliamAder

Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.

@OreoSpeedwagon_

After seeing a commercial for Toddlers In Tiaras, I realise Darth Vader wasn’t the worst parent ever.

@Ideal_Victoria

I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.

@Megatronic13

Him: you seem disappointed

Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet

Him: this is a suite

Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!

@tonsmorecowbell

Somewhere in Africa, a bunch of orphans are about to be running around in confederate flag shirts.

@AndrewNadeau0

Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.