Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
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moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Thank you corporation very cool
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles