Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle

Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day

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“Can you explain this Gap in your work history?”

Yes that’s when I worked for the popular clothing retailer


*camera pans to a pair of sneakers hanging over a power line*

*Sean Connery takes a long drag of his cigarette*

“It was a… shoeishide”


Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers

Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??



Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.


FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth

ME: Really? Which one?


ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth


Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?


ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon


He said he liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on his window, it’s all screaming and shit.


I assume the hardest part of being in a street gang is not being able to enjoy a Frappuccino in public.


I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.