@ArfMeasures

Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle

[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day

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@NicestHippo

“Can you explain this Gap in your work history?”

Yes that’s when I worked for the popular clothing retailer

@shkeeber

*camera pans to a pair of sneakers hanging over a power line*

*Sean Connery takes a long drag of his cigarette*

“It was a… shoeishide”

@Megatronic13

Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers

Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??

Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER

@Dutch_50

Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.

@daemonic3

FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth

ME: Really? Which one?

FRIEND: Katie

ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth

@ericsshadow

Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?

@danteshepherd

ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon

@jnrbtsn

He said he liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on his window, it’s all screaming and shit.

@daplusk

I assume the hardest part of being in a street gang is not being able to enjoy a Frappuccino in public.

@Mardigroan

I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.