“Can you explain this Gap in your work history?”
Yes that’s when I worked for the popular clothing retailer
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
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*camera pans to a pair of sneakers hanging over a power line*
*Sean Connery takes a long drag of his cigarette*
“It was a… shoeishide”
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
He said he liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on his window, it’s all screaming and shit.
I assume the hardest part of being in a street gang is not being able to enjoy a Frappuccino in public.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.