Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
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I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Are you ok, human???
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Well. That’s not a good sign.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me: