Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
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When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
ME: Watch this [puts chopsticks up nose, does silly face]
DATE: This isn’t even a Chinese restaurant did you bring those with you?
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Me: start a revolution.
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Twitter is the only place where you’re thrilled when a complete stranger starts following you.