Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
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Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!