Wife: “you think all that sugar you fed the kids this morning was a wise idea?”
Me: “why?”
W: “they’re running along side the car”

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1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.

2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.


[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself


Ugh Starbucks spelled my name right again and now I have nothing to Instagram.


I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.


I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.


Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes


If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.


Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps