If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
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The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily