My inexpensive home security system…
Wife: “you think all that sugar you fed the kids this morning was a wise idea?”
W: “they’re running along side the car”
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[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
A baby’s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it’s 3am. And you’re home alone. And you don’t have a baby
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.