You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
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Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!