@UncleDuke1969

Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-

*wakes up*

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@Ms_WhateverV

Every store should have one line for people who have their shit together.

@roxiqt

When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.

@Knorg

Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.

Firing Squad:

@GingerHotDish

I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.

@2tickytacky

“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.

@beefman138

When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.

@Sassafrantz

Started a pillow fight with my boyfriend, but I forgot that’s where I hide my Oreos.

@Mardigroan

How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”

@rolldiggity

1. Sit down next to stranger on park bench.
2. Place an envelope beside him.
3. Whisper, “It has to look like an accident.”
4. Walk away.

@BunAndLeggings

Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.