Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-

*wakes up*

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Every store should have one line for people who have their shit together.


When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.


Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.

Firing Squad:


I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.


“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.


When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.


Started a pillow fight with my boyfriend, but I forgot that’s where I hide my Oreos.


How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”


1. Sit down next to stranger on park bench.
2. Place an envelope beside him.
3. Whisper, “It has to look like an accident.”
4. Walk away.


Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.