@AmericanGent69

Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*

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@notalogin

A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.

@Jerrypleasure

[1st day working in a Bank]
*gang comes in with a knife in their hands*

ME: *rushes over to them* Can you chop these apples for me

@samir

Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name

@Quartzjixler

Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.

@Kryzazy

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.

@Reverend_Scott

[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]

Me: must be good genetics

@LoveNLunchmeat

My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.

@DRUNKdadding

I’m pretty sure our nanny’s grandmother has died like seven times now……