@AmericanGent69

Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*

You Might Also Like

@Bexdora

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.

@daddydoubts

3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?

Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.

@McNevich

Hi guys! Nick is very handsome and an amazing cook. Are there any nice girls interested inMOM GET OFF MY TWITTER YOU’RE RUINING EVERYTHING

@ShootyDoody

Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.

Me: Uhhh

F: Really into Craft Beer.

Me:

F: He has a podcast.

Me: That’s every man I know.

@freshhel

i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t

@ericsshadow

No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.

@CulturedRuffian

‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.