Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
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Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer