Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today

Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)

Wife: I heard that

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Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.


I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.


PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.

They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.


me: dad, how do i make a girl like me

dad: treat her like a princess


me: [executes her in a socialist revolution]


[Starbucks intercom]

“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”


If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.


[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where’s my present?!


[my funeral]

PRIEST: we are here for Robert-

*one guy in the back of the room boos*


I got a new stick of deoderant. Instructions said: ‘remove cap & push up bottom’. I can barely walk but when I fart the room smells lovely