Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
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Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
How can I say no to this ?
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.