Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
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Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?