WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
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this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
📽️movie date🎞️
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”