@LlamaInaTux

Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again

Me: [whispering] ??? ???????

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@anylaurie16

7 yo son asked how Grandpa got lung cancer. I said, “Well, he quit a long time ago, but for many many years, Grandpa played Minecraft.”

@InternetHippo

[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?

Me: What?

5-year-old: A horse.

@donofalltrades1

If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.

*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger

@TheTweetOfGod

“Why do bad things happen to good people?” To even out the good things that happen to bad people.

@trevso_electric

I didn’t flan on getting divorced and now my wife wants custardy and she’s pudding our kids in the middle 🙁

@Ideal_Victoria

My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!

@betulesairafi

I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.

@queer_queenie

tour guide: here are the sharks

me: bitey boi

guide: …and over here, a swordfish

me: pointy boi

guide: get out of the aquarium

@lisaxy424

*makes plans with someone*

(30 seconds later) what have I done