@LlamaInaTux

Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again

Me: [whispering] ??? ???????

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@aardvarsk

I am tired of being a part of a major historical event

@usermcuserface

Remember when you were a kid and the teacher said you can be anything you want to be? Luckily I chose lower middle class and overweight.

@phaggots

[ouija board]

Spirits im in need of your help

O N L Y I F Y O U H E L P U S

Sure

W T F I S Y O U R W I F I P A S S W O R D

@elynnbarlow

Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.

@fart

when a date asks you what your dreams are you gotta say you want a family or a great career or something. dont bring up the one where you catch a meteorite with a baseball glove and its the shrunken head of your old gym teacher who tells you the exact date and time you will die

@TheMichaelRock

HR: welcome to sexual harassment training.

Me *raises hand* I’m gonna leave.

HR: it’s mandatory.

Me: There’s nobody here I would harass.

@chefelicious

I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…