7 yo son asked how Grandpa got lung cancer. I said, “Well, he quit a long time ago, but for many many years, Grandpa played Minecraft.”
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ??? ???????
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[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
5-year-old: A horse.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
“Why do bad things happen to good people?” To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
I didn’t flan on getting divorced and now my wife wants custardy and she’s pudding our kids in the middle 🙁
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done