Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
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if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.