Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
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I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?