@GrantTanaka

Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit

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@muyrando

Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”

@GreenishDuck

You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien

@batkaren

HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES

– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries

– find them 3 months later

– look both ways

– slip them into the trash

@asimplesean

I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.

@elle91

I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.

@EndhooS

Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code

Dog: [taps paw]

Me: what did it say?

Scientist: “woof”

@Beth1nw

Me: *singing*

Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”

He was driving.

@mikhailsen1

If you have sex with someone from another country, make sure you give your best, cause you’ll be representing the whole country. Make us proud.

@DrakeGatsby

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY