WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
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King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
It be like that sometimes 😆
Raisins are grape jerky.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Cheers Twitter.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.