9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
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Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what