@BoogTweets

Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day

Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too

Son: *From the basement* WHEN

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@jergarl

Ambien: Where is your unicorn?

Me: I don’t have a unicorn.

A: You better get naked and go into that Arby’s and look for it anyway.

M: Ok.

@Eightinchgoat

Just convinced the teen up the street that he needs to change the winter air out of his tires and put in summer air. Don’t do dope, kids.

@Keally22

A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??

@Yankeegiant72

After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall

@DadandBuried

My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.

@Token_Geezer

Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out

@timdonakowski

I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.

@OldUncleDaveO

I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.

@NYC_Blonde

I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.