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[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*