wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
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how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Morning my dudes.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
That was easy.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.