wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?

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I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.


Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.

– things my BF and Uber driver say to me


tip: glue a tiny mirror onto your drivers license photo so, when you hand it to the cops, they will get confused & arrest themselves instead


“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”

ME: *starts vaping*


Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.

*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*


wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma


I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.


“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo


Twilight is like soccer. They run around for 2 hours, nobody scores, and its millions of fans insist you just don’t understand.