[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too
Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
You Might Also Like
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
DR: you have this disease
ME: oh no
DR: but you can cure it with a healthy diet and exercise
ME: OH NO
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Child in a car: Strap them to the seat or you will be fined and jailed.
Bus full of children: They’ll be fine just throw em in there.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
My date thinks he’s gonna get me drunk, & then get in my pants.
The joke is on him, coz my tolerance is sky high & I’m wearing a skirt.
men are so lucky they don’t have to sit down to poop.