wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
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Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
is this store having a stroke wtf
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.