wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
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I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!