Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
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I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.