Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
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me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes