You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
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•A Two Headed Turtle
But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I just burped and fogged my glasses up. Line forms to the left ladies.
Good job Twitter #RAW
If you love something, let it go. From the creators of “If you’re tired, go for a run,” and “If you’re on fire, eat bees”
Hey look, Grandma! You made the cover of “Didn’t Make Me Any Cookies Weekly” again. “What good is she to anyone?” it says.
[after 16 years of waiting, my kid finally corrects me using a dictionary]
Me: Well if you love dictionaries so much, you should just Merriam, Webster haha
Webster: Is that why-
Me: Yeah, that’s why I named you that
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”